By Genevieve Jethri
There’s not a man or woman living who can forget the horrors visited upon the town of Buffet eighteen years ago, when the young chef Garlo “The Rattlesnake” Velderpier grew so desperate to create the perfect dish that he turned to ancient and forbidden culinary magicks.
Unlocking the secrets of the cursed tome De Vermicelli Mysteriis, Garlo visited an unholy feast upon the town. From that day on, “Buffet” came to mean “a great and terrible whirlwind of foods.”
Many of Garlo’s creations have been hunted down, killed and/or eaten in the years since. But one has escaped every effort to destroy it: the sandwich know as Baphomet’s Lamentable Toastie, more commonly referred to as the BLT.
Though none have ever tasted the horrors of the BLT, we do know its ingredients. Today, we will examine those ingredients and see how each daemonic piece contributes to the damnable whole.
We begin, of course, with the bread. No ciabatta or baguette could contain a sandwich this evil; no, the BLT could only be held by cruelest of breads: pumpernickel. Not just any pumpernickel, dear readers! This pumpernickel is derived from Baphomet’s own sourdough starter. Rather than rye, the starter is mixed with ashes of the damned to create a truly evil flavor experience. It also sports an unnatural crust that would shred the mouth of any who dared risk a bite.
Nestled within this dread loaf is a seething pile of corned cambion loin. This meat is gristly yet sumptuous; the oozing fat burns the hands of all who touch it, even while the tenderness of the meat beckons an eater to take one more bite. This meat is also believed to be the animating force of the sandwich, the eldritch energies of the cambion bestowing the food with a grim parody of life.
Seated atop the corned cambion is a slice of goat’s cheese. Do not think for a moment that this cheese is innocent! It springs forth not from an average goat, but rather the Black Goat With A Thousand Young, that fearsome and maddening mother of monsters, that haunter of woods and of nightmares. The cheese itself may be a living thing, a small vestige of its mother’s evil, forever bonded to the sandwich through its own sinister meltiness.
Beyond this cheese is a heinous pile of sauerkraut. As far as experts can discern, this was locally sourced from a farm near Buffet; there is nothing eldritch to its nature, but it is sauerkraut and therefore inherently vile.
Finally, slathered atop the other ingredients, there is a sauce that defies explanation. It is said that the tears of a thousand tortured souls were combined to create the sauce that completes the BLT… and while its origin is awful, no mortal can resist the tangy flavor it provides.
Few have seen this devil’s Reuben, and fewer still have lived to tell the tale. So take heed, adventurers: if one day your travels take you near Buffet, and you spy a tasty morsel in some abandoned cave or by a lonely stretch of road, it is no mere sandwich that you’ve found. That which you seek to snack upon may instead make a meal of you.