The other night I had a thought. It’s a thought that I think all pet owners have at one point or another:
What D&D class are my cats?
If you’ve read this blog for awhile (or follow me on Twitter), you’re probably familiar with my two cats, Marmalade and Bright. If not, here they are:
Both are extremely sweet and snuggly… but what kind of adventurers would they make? Obviously they would both be tabaxi, but beyond that, what classes do each remind me of?
Let’s start with Marmalade, because I knew what he would be right away: Marmalade is a Bard for sure. There are a few reasons for this. The first is that, between the two of them, Marmalade is a lot more vocal. He meows… kind of a lot, actually, especially compared to Bright. He also has a steadier voice. That’s a weird thing to say about a cat, but it’s true–Bright has a very high, breathy meow; it almost sounds like he’s losing his voice. Marmalade, however, has a more traditional mewl. And boy, does he use it, because he has another trait in common with Bards: he loves attention.
Marmalade is kind of a needy cat. He likes to be part of mealtimes, for instance: if Cait and I are eating, especially breakfast, Marmalade likes to come sit on our laps. He usually comes up initially to try to steal our food, yes, but often he’ll end up settling down on us even after he’s given up on nabbing a morsel and stay there, getting pets, long after we’re through eating. He also has a tendency to sit at the door and meow after Caitlin leaves for work, which is sad but sweet. On the rare occasion that Bright is out of the house (like if he has a vet appointment), Marmalade tends to get a little freaked out and cry for his friend (again, sad, but don’t worry, we give him lots of love and some treats, and he always cheers up when Bright gets back).
The last way that Marmalade resembles a Bard: he knows how to weaponize his cuteness. He’s got this way of flopping down in front of (or on top of) you when he wants something. Observe:
Note the exposed tummy, ripe for rubs; the gently folded paws; the nuzzling face. This cat knows how to maximize his nearly limitless cuddle potential. And he does so when he wants food, or playtime, or more food. He’s diabolical when it comes to convincing me to give him early dinner or a treat. I even suspect that he knows how to operate my Xbox–more than once, he’s done the above-pictured flop in front of the tv and, when he realized it wasn’t working on me, stood up, stretched, and ‘accidentally’ hit the Xbox power button with his tail, shutting the system off. A cat that tries to charm me into doing what it wants and accesses arcane secrets to force my hand? That’s a Bard for sure.
Bright was a little harder to pin down. He’s just kind of an oddball cat; he can be really snuggly, but he also likes to be by himself much more than Marmalade. He’s exceedingly polite–he almost never cries for food, and in fact will usually wait for Marmalade to finish eating before moving in to finish up whatever the other cat leaves behind (even though they have separate bowls).
What I eventually settled on was Cleric. Why? Because he’s such a dang sweetheart. As I’ve talked about before on this blog, I struggle with depression. Bright seems to have a sixth sense about my depressive moods, though, and usually comes to cuddle on my lap when I’m feeling down. Just the other night, I was stressing out really bad before bed, and the instant I laid down to go to sleep, he jumped onto me, nuzzled my face, and curled up on my stomach, purring. It made me feel a lot better.
However, when I asked my wife what she thought Bright would be, she had a different answer: Rogue.
I hadn’t considered that, but she laid out pretty solid reasoning. First off, he’s a climber, and we’ve both been playing a lot of Assassin’s Creed lately, so we both equate climbing to high places with assassination. It’s true–Bright loves to get up high. When we first saw him at the animal shelter, before we learned his name, we always called him ‘climby boy’ because he kept trying to climb up onto my shoulders or head. These days, he loves jumping up on top of our cabinets:
He’s also a pretty agile and graceful cat overall, so Rogue was starting to make more sense. On top of that, he does have something of a violent streak; he’s never attacked anyone, of course, but we got him these little plush sushi toys and he spends a fair amount of time day-to-day chasing them around and tearing them up. Despite being the smaller of our two cats, he’s probably a fiercer fighter than Marmalade.
The evidence does seem to predominantly point toward Rogue, but I want to make clear that he’s never used these abilities for evil. He’s a big softie. In the end, I think he’s a multiclass: Rogue with a level or two of Cleric thrown in.
It’s fun to picture my cats as swashbuckling heroes… and I kind of want to get Marmalade a little Bard outfit now. What about your pets? What class would they be? Let me know in the comments or on Twitter!